May 31, 2003
Yesterday, I went to watch "Bowling for Columbine" with Wenn. It was a well, movie presented in a documentary form; a documentary that investigated the high incidence of high school shootings in America. It was inspired by the Columbine High School shootings in April 1999, in which 2 adolescent students took the lives of 12 students and 1 teacher before ending their own.
It explored on the culture of fear in the States. There, ammunition is their reaction to fear, their defense against fear, their tool of self-salvation. It talked about how fear is propagated in the everyday media coverage, how the media generates a collective phobia. The media, often a discourse of great political agenda.
Culture of fear, media propagation. Not unique to the States. Everywhere, almost, fear consumes us; we consume fear, rather willingly. Back home, Singapore, fear of SARS, fear of the declining economy, fear of the bleak global economic outlook, fear of unemployment, fear of not having something to fear. Interesting. Pessimism needs no reason; optimism is often a hard choice, sometimes easier to not make the choice.
We may not have high school shootings, thank God. What, then, is our tool against fear?
Indifference? Paranoia? Policies transparency? Preoccupation with worries? Complaints? Staying tuned to the media (that keeps reminding you of the thousand and one reasons to have fear as a daily companion)? The government?
I don't know. Perhaps, culture of fear is not restricted to the States. It's, *gulp* been globalized...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:44
May 24, 2003
Today, I was hit by this sudden bolt of depression. Walking down Orchard road, and has any of you been to Orchard Road today? It's so, so, so crowded! looks like the 'Step Out' thingy is working afterall! But that was no good at all for my temporary state of depression. Loneliness is a funny thing. It shouts loudest when you are somewhere stuck in the middle of throngs of people. Today, I almost lost my hearing capability from it.
It's just one of those days when you yearn for people to fuss over you, treat you like how they would treat a little toddler ger - fuss over you for no reason, reward you handsomely for a job well done (oki, at least, that's how I treat little kids). One of those days when you put out your hand, you hope someone will take it and hold it firmly, lead you through the crowds, open the way for you. One of those days that your only wish is actually to have a damn good dinner with a damn good friend. Ok, if you want to be specific, with a damn good male friend. Sweet 'sisters' of mine, dun begrudge. You do understand my occasional need for some male presense in my life. Today's juz one of those times.
I ended up having this Vietnam rice in soup with mushroom, chicken and prawns for dinner at what was the old Meridien Kopitiam. Alone. You know, when you know that you are feeling unsettled for some unknown reason, you should never order food. A drink maybe, but not food. Cos no food taste good when all you are thinking is why you are feeling how you are feeling. Darn. Worse, for me, I get indigestion easily if I don't enjoy what I am putting into my mouth. Mind over matter thing. 'Cept today, the mind's blocked out, for some reason. So, I ended up not having finished my dinner, not that it was yucky. I couldn't really tell, anyway.
With my clan's function out of the agenda, there is no more distraction from Tuesday. It's almost like releasing all the butterflies so that they can come invade my tummy again. Sux.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:37
May 20, 2003
The day has been fixed! Argghhh.... Day of the Great Revelation! Next Tuesday, 10 in the morning! Nooo... it can't happen. I barely started to truly enjoy and rot away since the end of the exam! Why so early? So fast? Too early, too fast!
Meisen sms-ed me earlier this morning, 'Hey all, results will be known 27th May, at 10am...' Damnit, I'm really scared now. Feels like there're thousands of butterflies in my tummy. Cannot function at all. And I was supposed to do some report and prepare some presentation for the clan function on this Saturday. Holyshit, these butterflies are here to stay. I know they are. Everytime, just as I am successfully distracted by other chores, it will spring up and make me feel the damn butterflies again, and again, until Tuesday.
Manz, I'm really scared. I need someone with me to face this together. Who's free on Tuesday morning? Argghhh....
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:00
May 17, 2003
"May God Bless You". That's what I hear from lotsa friends or read on many emails that my friends send to me. Up till recently, I just think it's a kind gesture on their part. I really appreciate it, but let's admit it, for someone who is a part time participant in religious activities, I don't really believe that whoever's up there would be able to bless me all the time. I mean, c'mon! I wouldn't count on it manz.
But, just 2 days ago, it was Vesak Day. I'm a Buddhist, I mean, part time buddhist, anyway. So, as part requisite to fulfil my part time status, I had to go chock up hours at the temple. Well, and accumulate merit so that I can get away with little sins that i may commit from now till the next Vesak (like lying. one of the five precepts of Buddhist Dharma is abstinence from lying. But of course, still do happen once in awhile). haha. So, I started saying prayers, started praying for people around me.
Then, it suddenly struck me that (okay, so mebbe I wasn't concentrating on my praying.. but still..) it really doesn't matter if whoever's up there (sorry if this whoever's up there thing sounds really really rude to those with a religious faith. You know I don't mean it that way) hadn't find the time to bless you, yet. You count your blessings simply 'cos someone cared enough to wish that God will bless you. It's the thought that counts eh.
Because, I actually keep some people in prayers, even though I don't pray a lot. But, when I do happen to put my palms together and close my eyes and start praying, there are actually some people who I keep in my prayers. Some of them probably don't even figure in my life, anymore. It's strange how it comes so naturally, to say a little prayer for someone who has come by your life but has left what seems like ages ago too, leaving footprints behind, footprints you sometimes think you'd be better off without.
Tomorrow's my sister's 21st birthday. Now I know you can keep telling yourself you are ONLY 23 year old, still in youth, and all. But, if you gonna wake up next morning for your younger sister's 21st birthday, that's when you know you are actually not so young anymore. And that's when you realise, also, that your parents are aging faster than you thought. Then, you get damn scared.
Still remember that childhood song that goes "When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what would I be...."? Que Sera Sera...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 03:12
May 10, 2003
This morning, while changing into one of my (only) two pairs of jeans, i made a casual remark to my younger sister. 'Shit manz, my hips juz got wider. Yesterday, I couldn't fit into that skirt I tried to wear.' In reply, here's what she said, 'hey! you better dress up nicely for my birthday party okay! My colleagues all looking forward to meeting you.' Well, juz one of those times when both our frequencies had a near miss.
But, that sure got me thinking. Upon probing, she told me that it's all because they saw the family photo that we took during my 21st b'day. ya, that photo, which everyone in my family has in the photo window of our wallets. then, I started thinking about how often i've been told I am actually quite different from who I look or who I seem to be, judging from my looks. To quote a few, 'dao', 'stuck-up', 'unfriendly', 'shy', 'quiet' are the common adjectives used in many friends' firt impression of me. I've also been told that I look Taiwan/China/Hong Kong and then, went to confirm other's suspicion when I started rambling in Mandarin, only of course that is never true. I'm a true blue Singaporean.
Anyway, the point is, sometimes, i believe I suffer from an identity crisis. Most people do. But, for me, most times, I don't think I do. Just sometimes, I think i do. Like now, I don't think I do. But it does seem like I do. Get the drift? hee
Unconventional on the outside, conventional on the inside. Modern on the outside, traditional on the inside. Poised on the outside, confused on the inside. Sometimes, I don't even know how to respond to happenings around me simply cos I couldn't decide which identity to assume and thus, which role to play.
Simon Lim, captain of your heart (Class 95 FM), said yesterday that you have to be yourself when you are with your partner and that your partner is someone who lets you comfortably be yourself. Erm, so far, I am most myself when I'm with my parents. I hope that doesn't mean that I'm gonna stay on the shelf and watch the days go past my expiry date, which will then deem me unmarryable... If so, whoever's up there better make sure I find a job soon and earn enough to fulfill my dream of bringing my parents around Europe soon.
But for now, I need to get toned in shape. For my sister's sweet 21st b'day party! See the lengths I go to just so not to disappoint my sister (rather, her colleagues)!
Happy Mother's Day (juz a thought... it's a commercial gimmick...)
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:25
May 07, 2003
It's not very often that I transform any of those plans swimming in my head into reality within a month, though there were times I surprise myself. But this Blogging thingy... Let's see, I only learnt of its definition last Tuesday, Thanks to Eugene, who started his on that day. N juz a week later, here I am! N of cos, thank you Lilian and Audrey as well, who allowed me to share their blogs too. Nice job, gerz! =)
I was at a class party yesterday evening. Ya, class party. Something almost unheard of ever since I stepped into NUS.
But, for the past one year, I have a class! A real class, who had a room to ourselves, even though we may still take different modules. A class, which I am leaving behind me as I close this chapter of my life. A classroom which has been cleared out for major renovation works; the classroom for which I brought my camera to school just so to have some visual momentos captured.
We are the last batch of Sociology Honours students that has an honours room to ourselves. The next batch wouldn't. To me, that means they do not have the temporary escape after a 3 hours long (monologue) seminars, or even longer ones; do not have an air-con room to da-bao lunch to when the arts canteen is packed; do not have a room in which they can listen to each other's whining; do not have a stage for all those dramatic (lame) jokes.
Paul remarked that he didn't know I was such a sentimental person. Am I? Perhaps I am. Just that most of the time, I prefer to indulge in being sentimental at the privacy of my bedroom.
You know what, I'm already beginning to miss schooling. But that is no excuse for not joining the job hunt, right? After all, I need a healthier bank balance to support my graduating into unemployment, and of course, like today, I'm going clubbing with my classmates! Ladies night lah, hehe... frugality goes a long way~~~
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:19